會談錢了,情感才是長久的

人們在戀愛過程中對于如何付賬這一問題的討論和不同看法,其實反映的是我們對付賬賦予的意義。很多女人會根據男人是否為自己付賬來判斷這個人是否足夠大方,或者是否願意在情感中付出,以及是否對自己有足夠的愛意。

而很多男人會根據女人是否讓自己付賬來評估這個女人是否太物質,太自我。其實這都是一種誤區。因為我們缺乏深入交流的能力,所以才會靠一些外在的指標來滿足內心的安全感。這往往就會和現實實際的差異很大。

據說有調查表明,大學生的戀愛花費都已經月均超過3000元,這說明,很多時候我們都會把愛和消費掛鉤,似乎戀愛成了有錢子弟的遊戲?

我覺得這個調查可能有些偏頗,但也反映了我們當下對愛的過度消費的文化,很多商品都用愛情做照片,構成了某種愛情商品市場,比如七夕、情人節這樣的節日被商家過度開發。

當愛被商品化的時候,我們可能就失去了很多自己的原創精神。在這方面動腦筋越少,我們的愛就越容易流於表面,而失去了很多深入發展的機會。

無論是AA還是由一方請客,只要經過友好協商過的,都沒有問題。但這裏面難免會受到文化的影響,在文化中,似乎男人靠多付錢來凸顯自己的男人身份,顯示自己有擔當和有責任感,以及對女人的心疼。

但在心理層面,如果男人多付賬的這種做法太刻意,就說明他有可能缺乏身為男人的自信——如果AA,你就不是男人了?也說明女人缺乏安全感——你在關系中是想做孩子還是做一個成人?為什麼男人需要給你多付錢?因為你弱小還是你是需要特別照顧和呵護的?

情感中,我們的這種需要是自然的,但如果刻意強調,就說明這個人在情感中有過度退行的現象,這會讓她以為成人之間的關系是母嬰關系,就會過度向對方索要情感,而男人如果也認同這種關系,最後就有一種被剝削的感覺,他們的關系就會出現裂縫。

往往在戀愛初期,男人會喜歡替女人結賬。但戀愛後期,男人如果不太願意繼續這麼做了,原因要麼是愛得不夠了,要麼就是開始流露出真實的意思了,之前這些真實的想法可能都隱藏在濃濃的“愛意”裏了,這其實是一件好事,說明你們的愛已經到了更深入的層面更接地氣的層面了。

不能談論經濟的愛情,不是真正深入的好的關系,那只是兩個人在玩過家家。我的建議是大家坦誠地討論金錢觀後面的種種情緒,自己在情感中的期待,以及對金錢賦予什麼樣的意義,這樣大家都會瞭解彼此內心真正的情感核心需要是什麼。

一個從小就生活很艱難的家庭出身的孩子,對金錢就會有很緊張的感覺,哪怕自己現在經濟寬裕也會一種隱含的擔心;而從小就從父母那裏獲得禮物的孩子,長大以後可能就會過度把禮物的品質和愛的深度聯系在一起。那麼如果這樣的兩個人在一起,就可能會發生沖突。但如果他們對彼此的成長經歷有深度的理解的話,就不會把對方當成假想敵,自說自話地雞同鴨講了。

具體的建議如下:

1. 討論我們各自的金錢觀

2. 我們對對方在經濟方面的期待是什麼?

3. 是什麼讓我們有這方面的期待?這些期待和我們在情感中的期待的關系是什麼?

4. 是什麼樣的成長經歷讓我們有這種需要?

5. 我們還有什麼建設性的方式解決我們各自的需要?

如果有的情侶已經因為經濟問題發生了爭吵,應該怎麼面對和處理呢?

1. 處理自己的情緒到可以商量的程度。

2. 告訴自己:我的情緒如此激烈,和對方做什麼無關,而是和我對對方言行的解讀有關。堅信對方這麼做一定有其合理性,只是我還不能理解。

3. 接下來兩個人就要一起瞭解是什麼讓對方做出我無法理解的事情。比如一個男生很吝嗇,這和愛我有沒有關系?還是和他對生活在貧困線上的父母的內疚有關?一個女生很物質,是和她對情感的安全感有關還是和她不知道如何才能感覺到愛有關?錢只是一個線索,讓我們可以找到我們在情感中的一些核心需要。

4. 當我們找到核心的需要的時候,我們就嘗試著用錢以外的方式解決我們的核心需要。比如一個人的安全感可以從錢獲得,也可以從對方深情的眼神和關愛的言行中獲得。

5. 在這個過程中,我們的情感的耐受度、對對方的好奇心以及對自己的反省這三者缺一不可。

About terence0425leung

哲人無憂,智者常樂。並不是因為所愛的一切他都擁有了,而是所擁有的一切他都愛。
本篇發表於 未分類。將永久鏈結加入書籤。

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